Post by Lady Cosmos on Jun 24, 2006 10:03:52 GMT -5
#38: The Arrival
Chapter 29
Cassie held my hand, and in the darkness where no one could see, I cried.
I had stopped crying by the time we reached the Burger King. But as we stepped into the light, I saw both Cassie and Tobias glance at me and then at each other. They had most likely seen the tear stains on my face.
I drew a trembling breath, and attempted to calm down.
I didn’t understand why I was so upset anyhow. I had been honest when I told Estrid I did not like her. I had made the choice to remain on Earth. It was the right choice. I knew that.
But still . . . my single human heart ached.
"Ax? What do you want?" Prince Jake asked, snapping me out of my reverie. I looked blankly at the brightly lit board that illustrated the sort of food this establishment had. For once, I had no appetite.
"Cheeseburger?" Tobias suggested.
I nodded, attempting to regain my composure. "Yes," I said. "Thank you."
We ordered and waited for the food to arrive. When it came, we took our trays to a deserted corner of the restaurant and sat down. I unfolded the wrapper around my cheeseburger and took a bite. Chewed. Swallowed. My friends did the same, with considerably more ease and less effort.
"So," Prince Jake said in an effort to "make conversation." "Marco, have you started Castillo’s essay?"
Marco rolled his eyes. "No. And I haven’t done my math homework in a week, either."
"Ever the student, aren’t you, Marco?" Rachel said with a mocking smile.
"Oh, shut up. I heard the brilliant Xena got a B in math last quarter."
"So what?" Rachel replied, smirking. "At least I passed biology."
I settled back into the booth, leaving my burger in front of me. I listened to my friends’ banter, and relaxed. This was where I belonged. This is where I should be.
And yet . . . some part of me was not present. Some part of me was away, remembering the night Estrid and I had gone walking in the Gardens. The night she and I had kissed . . . and the way her hair had felt tickling my face.
No, I did not like Estrid in any sense of the term. She was vain, arrogant, almost amoral.
Brainwashed.
But she represented home to me. Perhaps I loved the idea of her, the idea of being with one of my own kind . . .
But what was my own kind? When . . . if . . . I went home, would anyone understand me? Would my own mother, who had known me so well and loved me so much, understand me? Or would I always be an outcast?
Was this how Elfangor had felt? I remembered how my mother had pestered him about finding a mate.
<Mother,> he had said impatiently. <I am a warrior. I do not have time at the moment for a family.>
<But Elfangor,> she had insisted, <you do not know what you are missing. The love of a wife . . . it would give you respite from the endless battles.>
<Mother, I have not fallen in love. I do not want to marry someone I do not love.>
Had he never taken a mate because of his love for Loren, Tobias’s mother? Or had it been because he felt that he could never be understood in the way that a husband and wife should understand each other?
Maybe it had been both. But I would never know. He was dead, the only creature in all the galaxy who could possibly understand me was dead.
Estrid had not understood me. None of them had.
"Ax?" Prince Jake said.
I jumped in surprise. "Sorry," he said, looking startled.
"No," I said. "I apologize." To avert suspicion, I took another bite of my burger and chewed. Listened to their conversation. They were talking about . . . I wasn’t following, I realized. I took another bite . . . listened . . . remembered . . .
I was through with my burger. I crumpled up the empty wrapper mechanically. The others were done as well. Marco threw the wrappers in the trash on the way out.
Outside, in the cool night air, we began walking toward Rachel and Jake and Marco’s neighborhoods. Cassie, Tobias, and I had a much longer walk – or flight, if we chose to do that instead. But at the moment, I wanted to be human with my friends.
The six of us walked, enjoying the feeling of being alive and together after the harrowing events of the last week. But at last we had to part ways at a street corner. Rachel, Marco, and Jake would go in one direction; Tobias, Cassie and I in the other.
Jake kissed Cassie good-bye. I turned away and stared up into the stars. There were only a handful of them, as it was a cloudy night and the city lights were very bright. I searched the sky for . . . for nothing. If they had escaped, they were in Z-Space by now. If.
Tobias did not kiss Rachel. But he did embrace her and promise to see her tomorrow morning before school. Marco made fun of them, while I stood silently by, attempting to control myself. It hurt to see my shorm and Rachel together.
Cassie looked at us after the others left. "Owls?" she asked, glancing at me.
Tobias began to speak, but I said, "I . . . I would prefer to remain as a human."
Tobias and Cassie both nodded, and we began walking along the darkened streets toward the outskirts of the town. The air was chilly, but not cold. I shivered anyhow.
"So," Tobias said after few minutes of walking in silence. "How are you really feeling, Ax?"
Cassie took my hand again. I walked between them, and I knew they cared about me. I knew I did not have to keep up the façade in front of them.
I swallowed. "I . . . I . . ." My voice died painfully in my throat.
"You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to," Cassie said. She squeezed my hand.
"No," I said roughly. "I want to. I . . ."
My throat closed and it felt like knives. Knives in my throat . . . in my heart . . .
"Do you wish you’d gone?" Tobias asked tentatively.
I shook my head vehemently and switched to thought-speak. I was not in the mood for mouth-speak novelties. <No, I do not in any way regret my decision.>
"That’s good," Cassie said.
<I do not understand,> I whispered. <I did not like her. She and I could never have agreed upon . . . upon what was important. We were too different. So I do not understand why I hurt so badly . . .> The tears returned, and I could not hide them this time.
Cassie stopped and put her arms around me. Squeezed me tight. "I know," she whispered. "You turned down a chance to go home. To see your parents."
"I don’t belong at home," I replied. "I belong here. This is where my fight is." I pulled away from Cassie and stared up at the stars again.
Tobias put his hand on my shoulder and we continued walking. "Your brother felt the same way."
I smiled through my tears. "Yes. I suppose Elfangor and I have more in common than I thought." A few more moments passed in silence. Finally I shook my head. "She was so beautiful. And so graceful and brilliant. But she didn’t understand. I wonder if she ever could have."
"I don’t know," Cassie said. She put her arm around me. "But I do know that I’m really glad you didn’t leave."
"Me too," Tobias said quietly.
I wiped the tears from my face with the heel of my hand. "Thank you," I whispered. I gripped Cassie’s hand tightly.
We walked the rest of the way in silence. At her house, Cassie hugged me and said, "I’m here anytime you want to talk. I know this is rough."
"Thank you," I said. She went inside, and Tobias and I walked across the fields to the forest.
At the edge of the woods, he and I both morphed, and continued as ourselves. I trotted along, feeling the easy grace of my natural form, the strength, the confidence, the optimism. I tried to drown myself in that optimism, tried not to think about the events of the last few days.
I jumped the stream and stood, staring into the moonlit meadow with my hidden scoop at the edge. My home.
Tobias landed in a nearby tree, and said, <You gonna be okay?>
I nodded, a human gesture. <Yes, Tobias. I will be fine. Good night.>
I went to my scoop and prepared for sleep. As I closed my eyes, I saw Estrid’s beautiful face. Slowly, it was replaced by her human morph’s freckled face, and I remembered the feeling of her lips on mine . . . the way it had made my heart race, and my stomach churn . . .
How had that been the same person as the one in the Yeerk pool who begged me not to leave her as my friends were dying?
I shook my head slowly. I did not know. And, I realized, wondering about it did no good. She was gone. In all likelihood, I would never see her again. I half-hoped I would never see her again.
After all, I had not liked her. Not in the least.
But, for a short while, I had loved her.
Chapter 29
Cassie held my hand, and in the darkness where no one could see, I cried.
I had stopped crying by the time we reached the Burger King. But as we stepped into the light, I saw both Cassie and Tobias glance at me and then at each other. They had most likely seen the tear stains on my face.
I drew a trembling breath, and attempted to calm down.
I didn’t understand why I was so upset anyhow. I had been honest when I told Estrid I did not like her. I had made the choice to remain on Earth. It was the right choice. I knew that.
But still . . . my single human heart ached.
"Ax? What do you want?" Prince Jake asked, snapping me out of my reverie. I looked blankly at the brightly lit board that illustrated the sort of food this establishment had. For once, I had no appetite.
"Cheeseburger?" Tobias suggested.
I nodded, attempting to regain my composure. "Yes," I said. "Thank you."
We ordered and waited for the food to arrive. When it came, we took our trays to a deserted corner of the restaurant and sat down. I unfolded the wrapper around my cheeseburger and took a bite. Chewed. Swallowed. My friends did the same, with considerably more ease and less effort.
"So," Prince Jake said in an effort to "make conversation." "Marco, have you started Castillo’s essay?"
Marco rolled his eyes. "No. And I haven’t done my math homework in a week, either."
"Ever the student, aren’t you, Marco?" Rachel said with a mocking smile.
"Oh, shut up. I heard the brilliant Xena got a B in math last quarter."
"So what?" Rachel replied, smirking. "At least I passed biology."
I settled back into the booth, leaving my burger in front of me. I listened to my friends’ banter, and relaxed. This was where I belonged. This is where I should be.
And yet . . . some part of me was not present. Some part of me was away, remembering the night Estrid and I had gone walking in the Gardens. The night she and I had kissed . . . and the way her hair had felt tickling my face.
No, I did not like Estrid in any sense of the term. She was vain, arrogant, almost amoral.
Brainwashed.
But she represented home to me. Perhaps I loved the idea of her, the idea of being with one of my own kind . . .
But what was my own kind? When . . . if . . . I went home, would anyone understand me? Would my own mother, who had known me so well and loved me so much, understand me? Or would I always be an outcast?
Was this how Elfangor had felt? I remembered how my mother had pestered him about finding a mate.
<Mother,> he had said impatiently. <I am a warrior. I do not have time at the moment for a family.>
<But Elfangor,> she had insisted, <you do not know what you are missing. The love of a wife . . . it would give you respite from the endless battles.>
<Mother, I have not fallen in love. I do not want to marry someone I do not love.>
Had he never taken a mate because of his love for Loren, Tobias’s mother? Or had it been because he felt that he could never be understood in the way that a husband and wife should understand each other?
Maybe it had been both. But I would never know. He was dead, the only creature in all the galaxy who could possibly understand me was dead.
Estrid had not understood me. None of them had.
"Ax?" Prince Jake said.
I jumped in surprise. "Sorry," he said, looking startled.
"No," I said. "I apologize." To avert suspicion, I took another bite of my burger and chewed. Listened to their conversation. They were talking about . . . I wasn’t following, I realized. I took another bite . . . listened . . . remembered . . .
I was through with my burger. I crumpled up the empty wrapper mechanically. The others were done as well. Marco threw the wrappers in the trash on the way out.
Outside, in the cool night air, we began walking toward Rachel and Jake and Marco’s neighborhoods. Cassie, Tobias, and I had a much longer walk – or flight, if we chose to do that instead. But at the moment, I wanted to be human with my friends.
The six of us walked, enjoying the feeling of being alive and together after the harrowing events of the last week. But at last we had to part ways at a street corner. Rachel, Marco, and Jake would go in one direction; Tobias, Cassie and I in the other.
Jake kissed Cassie good-bye. I turned away and stared up into the stars. There were only a handful of them, as it was a cloudy night and the city lights were very bright. I searched the sky for . . . for nothing. If they had escaped, they were in Z-Space by now. If.
Tobias did not kiss Rachel. But he did embrace her and promise to see her tomorrow morning before school. Marco made fun of them, while I stood silently by, attempting to control myself. It hurt to see my shorm and Rachel together.
Cassie looked at us after the others left. "Owls?" she asked, glancing at me.
Tobias began to speak, but I said, "I . . . I would prefer to remain as a human."
Tobias and Cassie both nodded, and we began walking along the darkened streets toward the outskirts of the town. The air was chilly, but not cold. I shivered anyhow.
"So," Tobias said after few minutes of walking in silence. "How are you really feeling, Ax?"
Cassie took my hand again. I walked between them, and I knew they cared about me. I knew I did not have to keep up the façade in front of them.
I swallowed. "I . . . I . . ." My voice died painfully in my throat.
"You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to," Cassie said. She squeezed my hand.
"No," I said roughly. "I want to. I . . ."
My throat closed and it felt like knives. Knives in my throat . . . in my heart . . .
"Do you wish you’d gone?" Tobias asked tentatively.
I shook my head vehemently and switched to thought-speak. I was not in the mood for mouth-speak novelties. <No, I do not in any way regret my decision.>
"That’s good," Cassie said.
<I do not understand,> I whispered. <I did not like her. She and I could never have agreed upon . . . upon what was important. We were too different. So I do not understand why I hurt so badly . . .> The tears returned, and I could not hide them this time.
Cassie stopped and put her arms around me. Squeezed me tight. "I know," she whispered. "You turned down a chance to go home. To see your parents."
"I don’t belong at home," I replied. "I belong here. This is where my fight is." I pulled away from Cassie and stared up at the stars again.
Tobias put his hand on my shoulder and we continued walking. "Your brother felt the same way."
I smiled through my tears. "Yes. I suppose Elfangor and I have more in common than I thought." A few more moments passed in silence. Finally I shook my head. "She was so beautiful. And so graceful and brilliant. But she didn’t understand. I wonder if she ever could have."
"I don’t know," Cassie said. She put her arm around me. "But I do know that I’m really glad you didn’t leave."
"Me too," Tobias said quietly.
I wiped the tears from my face with the heel of my hand. "Thank you," I whispered. I gripped Cassie’s hand tightly.
We walked the rest of the way in silence. At her house, Cassie hugged me and said, "I’m here anytime you want to talk. I know this is rough."
"Thank you," I said. She went inside, and Tobias and I walked across the fields to the forest.
At the edge of the woods, he and I both morphed, and continued as ourselves. I trotted along, feeling the easy grace of my natural form, the strength, the confidence, the optimism. I tried to drown myself in that optimism, tried not to think about the events of the last few days.
I jumped the stream and stood, staring into the moonlit meadow with my hidden scoop at the edge. My home.
Tobias landed in a nearby tree, and said, <You gonna be okay?>
I nodded, a human gesture. <Yes, Tobias. I will be fine. Good night.>
I went to my scoop and prepared for sleep. As I closed my eyes, I saw Estrid’s beautiful face. Slowly, it was replaced by her human morph’s freckled face, and I remembered the feeling of her lips on mine . . . the way it had made my heart race, and my stomach churn . . .
How had that been the same person as the one in the Yeerk pool who begged me not to leave her as my friends were dying?
I shook my head slowly. I did not know. And, I realized, wondering about it did no good. She was gone. In all likelihood, I would never see her again. I half-hoped I would never see her again.
After all, I had not liked her. Not in the least.
But, for a short while, I had loved her.
